Instinct or angst?

Despite all the practical reasons weighing against it, and the infeasibility of it, I want to have kids. Not later, but sooner.

Because of the aforementioned details we are waiting to start a family. Still, though, my desire to be a mommy is not waning. Today while at work, I heard a radio commercial for Volvo. In this commercial little kids are trying to sing Christmas songs with all the wrong words. It is adorable. All my "mommy feelings" swelled up inside me as if my own child were singing on the radio. It's strange how even before having a child the instincts are already alive, well, and nagging at me.

Although my mom and mother-in-law would be ecstacic if this Christmas their present was news of a grandbaby, I'm not so sure they would like to visit their grandchild in the po' house....

For now, I'll have to wait patiently for a child (only by God's grace), and impatiently for a kitty.

Put them on the tree, put them on the tree

We have our first Christmas tree! It's beautiful. Being the thrifty people that we are, we bought it at IKEA for only $14. We decorated it on Saturday. We also have half our front windows lit up with blue lights. We had a green strand to complete the view, but it won't work no matter what we do. Back to Ace it goes!

I love the holidays. Paraphrasing Chris, who was paraphrasing his professor Dr. Long, "It brings a sense of blurred reality, but also a joyous expectation of our Lord that is to come." How wonderfully put.

kittens

I want a cat. Cats I should say. I really miss having an animal companion around. Someone to snuggle with while Christopher is busy reading St. Augustine or various other philosophers....Someone to play with when I'm bored.
I read that in the winter, there is an abundance of kittens in the animal shelters because of the cold, and since not all of them are adopted quick enough they are euthanized....That makes me so sad.
At work today, the same never-ending argument was rehashed by my co-workers regarding dogs vs. cats. Which is better???? It makes me sick that people expend so much energy and emotion on this argument. It was really quite annoying.
I'm a cat lover (but not a dog-hater, for the most part). So one may assume that because I prefer cats, dogs are the scum of the earth. Not necessarily. Though I would rather take in 10 cats over 1 dog, I can honestly say that I don't like to see a dog needlessly disposed of, either....
Anyway, I want some kittens. I think I'm a bit more prepared for kittens than babies....

Slowing down

My metabolism. My energy. My reflexes. My responses (verbal, yes, but particularly written).
Definitely not my speed while driving. Or the busyness of life. Or the hours, days, weeks, months, and years as they pass....

Missing my girls

I really miss being young. Not all the aspects of being young, just mostly the innocence and "forever friends" mentality with my girlfriends. I am really missing being a part of a close-knit group of girls....Sure, I love being with my husband, and I could continue to spend everyday with him alone. But, I wouldn't be content.
I miss certain people in particular. My heart truly aches from being apart from them. It brings me grief to think about the wrongs I have committed that have caused others harm. I pray that God's grace would cover my inabilities and lack of motivation to be a better friend.
I miss staying up late into the night, doing my nails, facials, and telling spooky stories. Waiting for the first person to fall asleep so we could "do something" to them....
Alas, I am here and it is now.

Femme fatale

Yes, so apparently I have starred in a movie about Batman as the femme fatale. How interesting! Check it out:
http://www.hotkey.net.au/~nval/scifi/batman03.htm
I especially like the blood dripping down at the bottom of the page....

E-Day

Well, my dilemma may be solved for me. I am supposed to work from 8-6 on election day. I don't think I'll have time to go vote, thanks to my wonderful employers. That is, unless the polls open before the sun rises. So, I will most likely have to miss voting for my Constitutionalist gubernatorial candidate-Randall Stuffleman (check out www.constitutionparty.com). That's really the only reason I wanted to vote. As I said before, I am so disgusted with the television and radio-all I hear is hate, hate, hate. Is anybody in office to actually do anything positive? I don't think so. Not if I did what these commercials told me and judged each of them by what the commercial tells me to believe. All I know is that so-and-so is corrupt because of something, or this person is "too extreme" because of their beliefs....wait a minute....
I thought we were a country that taught tolerance and respect of others' beliefs: no matter how extreme....as long as it benefits us??
No???



Addendum: I just looked up the polling place hours for Cook County (yes, I live in just about the worst county in which to vote in Illinois) and I will possibly be voting before the sun rises. The polls open at 6 am and close at 7 pm. Yay!

Politics

What a crazy time of year this is. Every other commercial on TV is about one politician's extreme goodness while at the same time "exposing" the pure evil of their opponent. Our society is so disgusting. It makes me want to write-in Bono or Beeker from the Muppet's for every opening of office.
It's sad that a person who is pro-life is doing nothing to help the poor and homeless, while those who do the latter defend a woman's "right to choose" death for her unborn baby. This is so sad. I wish I could somehow justify not voting, but in my heart I know that somewhere along the way I still have an obligation to.
Maybe it's because of a commercial I saw....
Visit http://action.one.org/dia/organizationsONE/one/content.jsp?content_KEY=68

The House Centipede-I suppose God created it, too.

Quite disgusting isn't it?

Well, here's my story:
I went down to the laundry room in the basement of our building. You have to go outside to get into it, so as one might guess it is quite dark, scary and full of scary things. I was getting clothes into the washer, when I realized that I lost a sock a week ago. I proceeded to look in the quite nasty and unclaimed pile. This---->
streaked away, lightning fast from within.
In the course of my lifetime, never has there been a time where I have not been afraid of bugs (to an extent). And also, never has there been a time in my life where the "Fight or Flight" response is so acutely undubitable.
Today, it was GO TIME.
Fortunately, I won.
I found a spray bottle of Oxy Clean, and hit him with my best shot.
Unfortuntely, in the end I found out that this bug (though scary and quite gross-looking) is quite harmless, and actually eats roaches, spiders, and other basement bugs.
So, today, in the ongoing battle with the entophiles, I both won and lost.

Introvert

I am one of those. According to my husband, I am in the minority (only 20% of the population). I am realizing this fact more and more as I (seemingly) progress in maturity, and as I find out more about myself. I find it strange that what I once thought was my true self was actually either a facade or defense mechanism.
I am becoming more comfortable with the skin I'm in. I realize that I'm an introvert, and take comfort in my times of quietness and solitude.
This weekend, we (Chris, his mom and I) went to Minnesota for a wedding. We drove up on Friday, went to the wedding Friday night, stayed somewhere for the night and left Saturday morning. Kendal (the groom) found lodging for us with a middle-aged couple just down the road from his parents. It was a wonderful place to stay. We actually had our own room and bed (his mom also had her own). They cooked a delicious breakfast for us in the morning, then sent us on our way. It was like staying at a bed and breakfast for free.
The down-side?
They were complete extroverts. They talked more than anyone I personally know. If the husband was talking, the wife would interrupt or interject and vice-versa....it never stopped. It was somewhat amusing. But, it was very tiring to be a part of.
So, after this weekend, I'm exhausted.
I realize that I really enjoy being in my little introverted bubble. I feel all warm and cozy inside.

Ruske

In fifth or sixth grade, for a few weeks after school, I learned Russian. As much as one can at that age and under those circumstances. Needless to say, I didn't remember one bit. Quite unfortunate, as I need it now. A year ago, if someone would have told me that I would be working amongst a community of Russians and Ukrainians-I would have laughed. Well, here I am. Speaking Ruske. Maybe only rough translations of "hello" and "pain" and "comfortable," but I'm slowly learning.
It's an interesting culture.
The interesting thing as a therapist is that no matter what culture my patients are from, they (about 80%) still drag their feet when it comes to exercise. I don't know what it is about older people and exercise, but a majority feel that they've paid their dues and no longer need to exert themselves. This is mind boggling to me, because their generation has always been so hard working; one would think that they know no other way....
I suppose that after 80 years I too may get a little finicky about my body.

Winter white

Snow is blowing
flurries, no, flakes
winter is on her way.
Sun is shining
deceiving those inside
winter is on her way.
Night is coming
radiators go "clank-clank"
winter is on her way.

Bugs, smaller than the eye can see

Somehow, I came in contact with some this past week. They creeped their way through my nostrils, my mouth, my ears. They made their residence in the canals of my sinuses, and their holiday began. Three days off from work (without pay, mind you) started for me. Today, it is ending-their holiday and my miserable mini-vacation.
Getting sick is something that I actually used to enjoy. I didn't mind the fevers, I welcomed the bubble-gum medicine; although I didn't quite enjoy having tonsils the size of golf balls (or the removal of them). What I did thrive off of was the attention. I loved people catering to me, my mom making me chicken noodle soup, laying on the couch all day with full control of the remote. It's not as nice when you're sick and either no one is around or they're unable to cater to my "needs." Such is life....

Noise

I can't sleep well with complete silence. Yet, with the slightest change in noise I am awoken and fail to return to my previous state of fairy dreamland.
With the change in weather comes more noise-that being the sound of the radiator....
A.K.A: Howl's Moving Castle.
If you've seen the movie, you know the noise that I'm talking about. Well, it's the sound that I hear everytime the radiator decides to turn on.
I like having a thermostat. There's comfort in knowing that when the temperature drops below 70 degrees, the heat's coming. Or 71, or 72, or 80. Whatever I decide. Unfortunately, with a radiator, I only have heat: a luxury if I lived in the early 20th century (which is when this building was built).
The comforts of home....wonderful.

Not to be too spiritual, but....

I need to pray more. Not because I have to. Not even because I want to.
Merely because I need to.
So many people today are organized in so many ways, such as myself, but really we have no discipline to our lives. I keep a routine: makeup first, blowdry the hair second, eat last-as long as I have time.
But discipline is generally maintained in order to improve, or correct upon something.
This I lack.
I am status-quo.
But really, in my head, I am so much more than that-aren't I?

Thank you very much for listening.

Now I must be off to wash my face, brush my teeth, and head to bed....